A Million Little Pieces Of My Mind

It turns out that it's easy to identify Republicans these days. Just check in on a few of their beliefs. You might just be a Republican if…

1. You believe George W. Bush's redistribution of middle-class tax cuts to the top 1% of tax-payers was good for America, but Obama's plan to return it to the middle class is 'socialism.'

2. You believe stem cells are living human beings, but thousands of Iraqi children are 'expendable collateral damage.'

3. You believe tax cuts for billionaires is a great idea, yet you wonder why the economy has stalled, your job just got outsourced to India, and oil company executives receive $400,000,000.00 retirement packages.

4. You believe the surge worked because the violence in Iraq is back to 2006 levels, which is only horrible, compared to what it was in 2007; intolerable. Besides, Brit Hume said so.

5. You think trial lawyers are harmful to America, yet you support prosecuting some guy in Muncie, Indiana, who burned his 99? American flag that was made in China by forced child labor.

6. You're all for the 'rule of law' when it's applied to Bill Clinton for lying about his infidelity, but not for prosecuting Karl Rove and Scooter Libby for committing treason.

7. 

   You think George W. Bush is actually a really smart guy, and his folksy manner just makes him seem dumber than he really is.

8. You believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own, and that those who are born to poverty and never have opportunities for advancement, just have a poor work ethic.

9. You believe Ronald Reagan was a great president who had complete control of all aspects of government, and the Iran-Contra Affair was an insignificant scandal that went on without his knowledge.

10. You believe Democrats tax and spend, but George W. Bush was a fiscal conservative.

11. You believe Oliver North, who was convicted of perjury, obstruction of justice, destroying evidence and accepting bribes, is a patriot, and John Kerry, who saved a man's life while under enemy fire in Vietnam, is a coward.

12. You believe George W. Bush kept us safe from terror, and the failure to prevent the 9/11 attacks were somehow Clinton's fault.

13. You actually believe Fox News is "fair and balanced."

14. You still believe Saddam had truckloads of WMDs, and that he somehow managed to sneak them into Syria, right under our noses.

15. You're in favor of stronger prison sentences for drug users, yet your favorite radio personality is Rush Limbaugh.

16. You complain about having to "press 1 for English", yet you hire undocumented workers to mow your lawn because they're cheaper than hiring the kid next door.

17. The war in Iraq makes perfect sense to you, but any suggestion by Barack Obama that we target al Qaeda specifically is 'dangerous and reckless.'

18. You don't mind that president Bush tortured men who were never charged with a crime, yet you're horrified by the wrath of al Qaeda when they capture one of our guys.

19. You believe the 1/10 of 1% of scientists who claim global warming is a hoax, and reject the 99.9% who say it's real, because Sean Hannity and his friends in the oil industry have convinced you that science is a part of a greater liberal conspiracy.

20. You believe patriotism means you should support your government right or wrong…unless a Democrat's in power; then it's your patriotic duty to call him a closet Muslim, challenge his birth certificate, expose his sex life and impeach him.

21. You're proud of your party's 'culture of life.' Yet you support the death penalty for minors, you believe 600,000 dead Iraqis is justified because one of them was Saddam Hussein, and you oppose confronting the genocide in Darfur because they don't have oil.

22. You support prayer in school, as long as your kids aren't subjected to Muslim prayers.

23. You think Darwin's theory of evolution is a loony fairy tale, and mankind actually began with two naked teenagers, a magic apple and a talking snake.

24. You think $35 billion spent on health care for children is a waste of taxpayer's money, but $1.7 trillion spent on a catastrophic war that has isolated us from our allies, decimated our economy and made us less safe was money well spent.

25. You believe Bill Clinton was an immoral cad, but Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were faithful husbands (and Larry Craig just has a wide stance).

26. You fervently defend the Constitution, but when president Bush got caught monitoring 300 million phones without a warrant, politicizing our justice system, hyping evidence for going to war and pardoning a convicted perjurer who just happened to be on his staff, then it's okay, because he was 'protecting America.'

27. You were outraged when a gallon of gasoline went from $1.29 to $1.40 during the two terms of the Clinton presidency, but you didn't seem to mind when prices tripled under George W. Bush, the "oil man."

28. You were furious when Bill Clinton pardoned international commodities trader Marc Rich, who was convicted of tax evasion, but applauded when George W. Bush exonerated Scooter Libby for obstructing justice to protect Dick Cheney from a treason indictment.

29. With no evidence whatsoever, you complained of 'voter fraud,' and demanded that thousands of blacks be scrubbed from voting lists during the 2004 election in Ohio, yet when Rush Limbaugh asked his audience to illegally claim to be Democrats and vote for Hillary Clinton during the Ohio Primary in February to "stir up trouble," a felony, you were okay with that.

30. You believe Barack Obama should be held accountable for every sermon that Jeremiah Wright ever gave, but John McCain, who sought the endorsement of anti-Semitic, xenophobic, openly racist and homophobic pastors should be given a pass.

31. You care what religion the President of the United States practices. And it's all the better if he receives messages from God telling him how to run the country.

32. You believe the 8 consecutive years of prosperity and strong economic growth from 1993 - 2001 was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush, but today's recession is all Clinton's and Obama's fault.

33. You laugh at how much better Barack Obama speaks with a TelePrompTer than without one, yet you never mention the fact that even with a TelePrompTer, every time George Bush opened his mouth, gibberish tumbled out.

34. You still believe Barack Obama has somehow succeeded in fooling every government and independent examination with his "obviously Photoshopped" documents. Instead, you rely on Internet gossip, WorldNetDaily and Jerome Corsi as your sources for "truth."

35. It seems reasonable to you that the media spent more air time discussing Michelle Obama touching the queen of England's arm than on the economy, the environment, terrorism and health care combined.

36. You were furious that Barack Obama admitted in France that Americans have occasionally been "arrogant, dismissive and derisive," but you cheered them on when Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld were arrogant, dismissive and derisive.

37. You believe that Obama's $3.6 trillion budget is an outrage, but never once complained that George Bush turned Bill Clinton's $300 billion surplus into a $1.3 trillion deficit. And it never once occurred to you that Bush deliberately omitted the Iraq and Afghanistan wars from those statistics, which means Bush's true deficit was $3.1 trillion.

38. You supported Governor Sarah Palin, partly because you believed she kept a good Christian home. This, despite the fact that her seventeen year old unmarried daughter was knocked up and her son was accused of vandalizing 44 school buses (he cut the brake lines of those buses…HELLO!!?) and was given the choice of going to jail or join the military, and Palin herself was found guilty of abusing the power of her office. But Barack Obama can't possibly be a true Christian, because his father was a Muslim, and his middle name is Hussein. (Besides, he's black, and everybody knows that Jesus was a blond-haired blue-eyed white man.)

39. You believe the mainstream news anchors are crazy, biased and filled with hate, but Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity are rational, accurate and informative.

40. You defend Rush Limbaugh's right to wish for Obama to fail, and therefore, the failure of our republic, yet you call Democrats the "blame America first crowd."

41. You claim that the economic crisis is the fault of the Democrats, but never mention that it was the Reagan administration that massively deregulated the banking industry in 1982, and it was Phil Gramm—McCain's choice for economic advisor - who completed the task for his pals in the banking industry in 1999.

42. You believe the failure of the US automobile industry is primarily the fault of the unions, and not because management of the three corporations insisted on producing vehicles that nobody wanted. And you're angry with the $28.00 per hour average wage of the work force, but you believe that the multimillion dollar salaries of the men who bankrupted the industry are perfectly reasonable.

43. You are livid over things you believe Obama has done that are reported by Fox News but lack any actual supporting evidence. Yet you ignore his failure to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act or Don't Ask Don't Tell, or to push the Public Option in Health Care Reform as he had promised during his campaign.

44. You think this list is mean-spirited and biased, and even though you privately acknowledge to yourself that it's all true, you believe the Democrats are just as bad. Here's a bulletin: Nobody has ever been this bad!