A Million Little Pieces Of My Mind

As news of President George W. Bush's continued approval by fewer than one in five Americans makes its way around the world, an outpouring of generosity has resulted in the Brains For Americans campaign to donate unused brains to the 18% of the American population who have been doing without.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy kicked off the campaign by offering the brain of his wife, supermodel-turned-singer Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. "She does not use it," Sarkozy explained, as his wife nodded agreement.

"The doctors promised to leave no scar," she said. "That was my only concern. My brain will be going to a housewife in Austin, Texas, who still believes there was evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq that justified the American invasion there."

Elsewhere, celebrities quickly led the way as noted performers were quick to provide the much-needed organs. Charlie Watts, percussionist for the rock band Rolling Stones, was quick to volunteer. "Everyone knows drummers don't need brains, it's just a waste. Rhythm is built into my reflexes. And for me to keep my brain when there's a man in Oregon who thinks his right to privacy isn't threatened by the passing of FISA, well, it would just be selfish."

The tiny village of Solovyovo in northern Russia was praised as its entire population volunteered their brains to the effort. As the mayor of Solovyovo, Alexandre Putinsivich, said, "Our motto has always been, 'Vodka, not brains.' When the winters are this long and cold, it's best not to think."

His wife, Marya Putinsivich, who leads the town's annual Crazy Lenin Days festival, was quick to agree. "We in Russia know all too well the dangers of having religious beliefs imposed on one. As long as there are Southern Baptists unable to appreciate their climate or the dignity of religious freedom, well, obviously they need our brains more than we do."

Notably absent from the worldwide outpouring of generosity is the entire nation of China. As Hu Jintao, president of the People's Republic of China, explained, "In China, it is illegal to have a brain. Chinese law requires that all citizens admire our leaders and question nothing. So, when the occasional Chinese is found to have a brain, he or she is promptly executed. We are sorry, we didn't realize there would be a need for them. But I guess that's because we have no brains!"

Meanwhile, clinics in the United States were being set up in locations known to attract higher percentages of brainless Bush supporters, such as Assembly of God churches, Hooters restaurants and NASCAR events. Harold Fontenot, the US organizer for Brains For Americans, was quick to clarify. "We know that not all Hooters diners or NASCAR fans are brainless! But the percentage is higher than in the general population, and we are putting up 'Prove You're A Patriot With A Free Lapel Flag Pin!' booths in those locations to help make sure the donated brains get quickly to those who need them most."